"I have something to say!" She whispered..... So that no one would hear her and make her prove it.
This was the thought that hit me at midnight last night. Just a small sentence that ballooned in my mind and grabbed hold of me. It was an unfortunate discovery as I have always felt like someone who spoke her mind, or at least tried to.
I know what you're thinking.. 'She speaks to herself in the third person?' The answer is yes. All the time. I think it's my heart's way of untangling myself from the mess of my own thoughts. I like the distance created between "she" and "me." It gives me space to process. In those rare moments of clarity I discover what my heart believes.
And it's tired. It has shared and given and opened too many times.
Do you ever feel like you can't afford to have any more new ideas or thoughts because you physically cannot handle the shear volume of vultures that come out of the woodwork to judge your brand new, tiny, vulnerable offering? They swarm. And the worst part? Most of them don't have a clue what they're doing.
I have spoken up before. In youthful excitement I told everyone in sight whatever came to mind. I had three or four life altering pursuits all at once that turned into simple curiosities. But being open proved to be terrifying. The let down that comes after sharing your heart with someone who could care less is devastating. It affirms your every insecurity and teaches you the vital playground lesson of fitting in. Riding the wave. Blending.
We survive in packs. Don't stray or you'll be lunch. Or worse... weird.
The truth is, sometimes I like to pretend the people around me aren't listening, but in reality- I just stopped speaking.
And that's a hard truth to swallow. No amount of raging at the sky will allow people to read my mind. I am misunderstood because I have ruled myself out before I ever opened my mouth... and then I chose to keep it closed.
Sometimes we have to risk what is painful in order to live free.
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